Boxing Day= Pure and Utter Torture

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? As I sit here enjoying the serenity of the cottage, snuggled up on the couch with hot cocoa, dreaming of sugar plums and fairies I can't help but think of the sinful revulsion that is taking place in a mall near you. At this very moment vultures are circling mall parking lots in the hopes of snatching a spot close to the door, people are waiting in unfathomably long lines outside of Abercrombie and Fitch, exit ramps on the highways are completely blocked and human beings are literally trampling all over each other while visions of Sporting Life sales dance in their heads. What would drive humanity to this type of insane, barbaric madness you ask? Oh yeah, the 20% off sale on tee shirts, potpourri and the rest of the shit that didn't sell out during the Christmas rush.

While I know it's the holiday season and I should be upbeat and happy, I can't help but think of how much I hate Boxing Day. Perhaps what bothers me the most about this day of hell on earth is the hypocrisy that surrounds it. You know the types, those people who get up on their altruistic soapboxes preaching about how Christmas has become too commercialized, how its meaning has been lost, blah blah blah. These Christian Gestapo fill our heads with messages of how Christmas is about caring, sharing and giving; being thankful for what you have and yet a mere 24 hours later these same Christly martyrs can be seen at Vaughan Mills, snarling anyone who attempts to get at the last pair of size 7 UGG boots. The irony of this absolutely kills me due to the fact that not a year, a month, or a week but ONE DAY later and the messages of the Christmas spirit, love, and kindness are not only forgotten, but have been traded, raped and pillaged for a $2 off sale on tank tops at Aritzia. Where are your morals people?!?! Where is your integrity, care, sense of self worth!?! Apparently, these characteristics have been lost somewhere between Bass Pro shop and the underwear bin in La Senza, but not to worry, a spare dose of selflessness is kept in the glove box of your car and can be accessed once you've cursed your way out of the parking lot and have satisfied your urge to shop.

It all plays out like a sick and twisted version of Lord of the Flies: survival of the fittest. Only, this time the setting is in a shopping mall, the conch has been replaced with a loudspeaker and Piggy is that elderly woman you gunned down for that handicapped spot in the parking lot.

Humanity at its Finest

Okay okay okay, so I'm a bit of a negative Nanc'. It's midterm season and to alleviate my apparent 'Oscar the Grouch' syndrome I thought I would indulge my readers with a segment about the types of people who I absolutely love rebelling against things I absolutely hate. I proceed in no particular order;

People who give up their seat on the subway to pregnant women/ old people.

    It never fails to amaze me when a pregnant woman gets on the train and NO ONE offers to give up their seat (everyone suddenly becomes overtly engaged in their tantalizing edition of the Metro). I have no idea what happened to this convention or chivalry for that matter. I don't know if these people were raised in a barn or have no concept of what it means to be a decent human being, but I do know that when someone who is preggers, injured or elderly gets on the train the rest of us able bodied folk need to suck it up and offer up our seat. To those of you who willingly endure 45 minutes of discomfort and genuinely prove yourself to be a good human being, I salute you!

People with vices.

    If you have a vice, be it a love affair with nicotine, multiple facial piercings, the ability to blatantly speak your mind or a sleeve of eclectically random tattoos, you are pretty fucking fabulous. You my friends stick up a big middle finger to the societal norms of our time and that scores you major brownie points with me. You're creative, edgy and most importantly you don't waste your time putting on the facade of a Stepford wife. I'm not talking about anarchists who torch cop cars or burn crosses for fun, I'm talking about those people who embody what it means to be "avante-guard", so comfortable in their own skin that they don't give a fuck about the sneers they get from the fake blonde bulimic girls sporting UGG boots or those who ascribe to the cult of Abercrombie douche. If you're a real person who is confident enough with yourself not to think twice about what anyone else thinks of your immoral appearance, scandalous reputation, character flaws or secret addiction to meth, you're pretty flippin' cool.

People who are liberal minded     

Maybe I'm just an idealist, maybe I'm too liberal, but I want to cut anyone who spews misogynistic, homophobic or racist tripe just so they can feel better about themselves. Seriously, these people need to go back to the 17^th century. I'm not really sure what irks me so much about intolerant attitudes, oh wait, yes I do; it's that everyone who thinks discrimination is justified is completely bigoted and ignorant beyond all measure. Anyone who ascribes to my personal philosophy of "live and let live", actively defends homosexuality, gender issues and racial equality should be canonized for sainthood. You should pride yourself on your unorthodox, humanitarian and rational view of the world and hold onto it like grim death.

People who are unique.

    Basically if you have any degree of uniqueness to how you dress, I am in love with you. If you reject paying $45.00 for a t-shirt advertised with a borderline pornographic marketing campaign you are fabulous. Showing individuality and expression in how you dress is way sexier than trying to impress the opposite sex; looking skinny and dressing slutty is way overrated, so is parading around campus with your lunch in a Burberry shopping bag. This also includes guys who's typical outfit involves (but is not limited to) popped collars, flip-flops, the ever popular puka-shell necklace, idiotic t-shirts that say "Any Hole is a Goal" and is usually accompanied by sentences like, "Did you get the kill?" (in reference to having sex with a girl) and "I'm so jacked" (wishful thinking in reference to their scrawny anatomy). Congratulations on reaching a whole new level of douche. If you refuse to whore yourself out for brand name clothing and compromise your morals, personality, conscience and the general sanity of everyone around you in order to be "cool", you are awesome in my books.

The University of Toronto- Harvard of the North

When you were applying to university you had a 90% average. You got into every school you applied too, and were offered an array of fantastic scholarships from every school, except U of T. Your friends received colorful packages filled with information on academic planning, student services and course calendars; you got a letter saying you got in and had to go downtown to pick up your own course books. As a naïve first year, you spent hours flipping through the godforesakenly confusing calendar on your own, using excel to create a pseudo timetable, only to later find out that half the courses you selected aren't actually offered this year at all (I question the logic of why then, are they even in there in the first place). Your name at the University of Toronto is 996254176, your 'advisor' is a generic mass email sent out to all A-F students; you've never met her and find it ridiculously difficult to get an appointment, probably because she died in the trenches of WWI. But hey, for all that money you're spending you're earning a degree at the most prestigious university in the country, which will guarantee you the job of your dreams and a lifetime of security! WRONG. I don't know what U of T is thinking, offering 800 person courses on philosophy, history, women's studies and any other subject for which it is impossible to find a secure job. They are puffing us up with elitism, booking us a one way ticket to homelessness in 4 years time.

Being a third year university student I have had a variety of experiences with various Profs. I love most of my professors; they're wonderful people who have made my experiences here great. They keep you engaged in the classroom, allow for much discussion and critical analysis, tolerate a variety in opinion and are always willing to speak with you about a grade, assignment or anything else. On the other hand there are the ones, who are so consumed by research that they read drearily out of a book, spew mumbled garbage that leaves you more confused than when you entered, and are so completely doused in arrogance that they don't even take the time to acknowledge your feeble minded questions. Whoever is in charge of hiring at the University of Toronto needs to seriously reevaluate their criteria when granting tenure to these emotionless androids. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A PHD DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE A GOOD OR EVEN CAPABLE PROFESSOR! Yes, they are smart. Yes, they are extremely knowledgeable in their field of study. And yes, they have put in 4 years and countless hours of work to get their PhD. NONE of this, however, has any remote connection to their effectiveness as a professor. As an undergraduate student, you have little to no appreciation for these facts; all you know is that you aren't getting what you paid for. Why pay upwards of $5,000 per year only to sit in a class and be lectured AT (monotonously) by a professor who clearly doesn't give a shit about you, your future or the profession of teaching; they're probably only doing this to pay the bills while researching or because they couldn't get any other job with a PhD in botany. As a future teacher it is even more irritating to watch people like this rape, pillage and debauch the pedagogy of education.

The sad thing is that none of this matters. U of T is going to suck tens of thousands of dollars from me only to present me with a piece of paper saying, 'On behalf of our administration who could care less about your future (and the few that actually do), a school that treated you like a number would like to thank you for casting yourself into a canyon of debt. Good luck with all your future endeavors. See you in graduate school.'

Pandemic Hysteria

Drag me into a field in northern Saskatchewan, bash my brains out, batter my spleen and leave me for dead. This scenario would be less painful than listening to more hysteria of a looming pandemic which has once again whipped our society into a fearful frenzy. Yes, I am talking about newest health exigency to hit Toronto; the swine flu. Modern society is preparing for its most recent plague (quite possibly the most dangerous thing to happen to humanity since the bird flu scourge of 2008). Recent events on our own St. George campus read like a well written apocalyptic novel: gallons of hand sanitizer strategically placed in every conceivable nook and cranny, masks to be worn when entering administrative buildings, even the revamping of ROSI (the student information system from the seventh circle hell) as some sort of pseudo doctors note generator. All of this, in the hopes of preventing the swined-out zombies from hacking up a lung on campus. Not only has the public response H1N1 been alarmist and socially irresponsible, it borders on insanity for self- evident and fairly obvious reasons.

The year 2005 marked the papal inauguration of Pope Benedict XVI, the enactment of the Civil Marriage Act in Canada, the 7^th consecutive win for Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France, and lest we forget, the Mad Cow epidemic. As documented by the World Populations Data Index, the population of North American was 528,720,588 in the year 2005; of those there were 4 document human cases of Mad Cow disease. Filet mignon sales plummeted on Christmas Eve, markets were sent into a schizophrenic spin and ofcourse there was the ban on the Canadian Cattle Industry by our friendly neighbors from the south; all of this for only four cases?

Fast forward to 2007, we are hit with yet another devastating endemic claiming the life of 124 people in North America, the West Nile virus. BILLIONS of mosquitos inhabit the Canadian forest alone, 124 deaths continent wide doesn't exactly scream bubonic plague. Still don't believe me? 2008 Bird Flu catastrophe; all that hand washing sanitization brainwashing bullshit and NO REPORTED DEATHS IN NORTH AMERICA!

In 2007 AIDS alone claimed the life of 14,561 people in the United States of America- not to mention the over 1.5 million deaths in Sub-Saharan Africa. Malaria affects more than 500 million people annually, Tuberculosis kills nearly 2 million, Typhoid knocks off another 60,000 .... and swine flu has killed??? 3,205 worldwide, including a staggering 36 deaths in the United States. I'd like to take this oppourtunity to point out the fact that the regular flu in the United States kills about 300,000 people in an average year. I'm no mathematician but that's a pretty far cry from 36 or even 3,205 globally.

It's sick really, that the fear mongering media has been able to successfully execute one of the most well-planned marketing ploys in history, preying on the natural human instinct to protect ones health. Hell, they have even discouraged people from leaving their homes if they experience what can be generally labeled as "swine flu symptoms". What does that even mean? A fever? Runny nose? God forbid a cough? You've got to hand it them though, they've duped the free world. With all of this evangelical bullshit poisoning the minds of society, all the 'sheeple' are going to think that anyone who thinks that swine flu is a lot of hype is crazy.

Perhaps our good ol' friends at the WHO and pharmaceutical companies (who stand to make absolutely NO profit at all from a global pandemic of this kind) should delve a little deeper and investigate the completely neglected, extremely contagious, potentially fatal and rampant pandemic that is sweeping our national as we speak—hypochondria.

Stephen Harper: Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz?

"We also have no history of colonialism..."
—Prime Minister Stephen Harper (you've got to be kidding me)

Somewhere, a village has lost their idiot. That idiot is Stephen Harper. It will be a cold day in hell before I can look at this self righteous right winged idiot in a sweater vest without wanting to personally behead him. Before this goes any further I would like to explicitly point out that the purpose of this article is not to discuss the faults of his policy, the incompetency of his cabinet, or that fact that he is about as credible as a Berlusconi discussing fraud. Rather, it is to point out the fact that he is void of any human emotion, Canadian pride, and is truly moronic, Bush loving, low life scum.

Every year thousands of grade seven and eight students are loyally educated about the detailed history of Canada. It begins with our days as a colony, moving on to the adventures of Champlain, colonialism, eventually ending with the present day. At the close of the G20 summit, our Prime Minister showed the world how much of an arrogant asshole he truly is when he publically declared that Canada has no history of colonialism… Canada has not a history of colonialism? This actually blows my mind every time I hear it. The PRIME MINISTER thinks we have no history of colonialism?!?! Clearly Harper has a different definition of colonialism than the dictionary, the UN or your typical grade 7 students. There's no possible way this can be written off as a misconception, misreading or even as a speech writer's interpretation… seriously Harper do you even look over your speeches before you read them!?! THIS IS THE MOST INTRODUCTORY KNOWLEDGE OF CANADIAN HISTORY!!! Harper has either forgotten the historical facts that the corporately standardized Canadian curriculum teaches or he is truly a racist freakshow who believes that Canada was void of human life before settlers arrived here.

In all honesty Stephen Harper is probably the most annoying and un-Canadian creature in Parliament. He wins by blatantly LYING and running smear campaigns to destroy his opponents, see http://ignatieff.me/ (Note: Bush used this tactic too, what a role model!). Thanks to Harper, a legacy of rich well off snobs is running our country, ignoring the fact that we are rife with economic collapse and poverty becoming a growing concern. There he was in the middle of an unprecedented economic meltdown, vowing to never increase spending and to be frugal with our tax dollars… what's the first thing he does? Increases his cabinet by six members at a $75,000 raise!!! Canada needs to axe this guy lottery style since all he's done so far is take a bat to our already dilapidated economy.

Perhaps the most irritating thing about this guy is the fact that for the past 4 years he has literally been grinding up on Bush's genitals. I mean just look at the vast majority of his policies (education, the environment, etc) and it is glaringly apparent that they are the same as Bush's. Wow Harper, this is a new low, not only do you rip off speeches from the Australians but you also steal idiotic, corrupt and inoperative policies too? He has even brought in Republican advisers to give us pointers on how to make the Conservative party more right wing and dominant like the United States. The United States, the biggest welfare state in the West, 12th on the human development index, a country where you can be imprisoned for an extended period of time without trial for simply knocking the government in a locker room at the gym and THIS is what we aspire to become?!?! WAKE THE FUCK UP CANADA! Am I the only one who thinks that it is incredibly ironic not to mention fucking ridiculous that Frank Luntz and Newt Gingrich are coming here, from a nation where a mother has to work four jobs just to pay her bills, to give Canadians (who are in a MUCH better economic and social state) political advice?!

And what does our Republican loving, Beatles singing, deficit creating, women hating, environment destroying, sweater vest wearing, cold, emotionless Prime Minister do instead of representing us on the world stage at the UN discussion of climate change? He opts for donuts and shitty tasting coffee at Tim Horton's. God bless the 51st STATE of Canada.

Hell is Other People

You've heard the old adage, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Whoever came up with this load of crap was either ridiculously euphoric or completely deluded. For everyone, words hurt. Over the years SMC has turned into a boys (and girls) club, riddled with malicious gossip. Think about it. How many times in your university career have you been hanging out in Brennan hall and heard something said about someone else whom you don't know and have never met, yet you feel compelled to put your two sense in!?! How many times has your lunchtime gossip consisted of discussing the exploits of someone else, be it a friend or complete stranger? To be totally qualified to speak on the pervasive fucked-up-ness of gossip at SMC, it helps to have been a contributor; we are all guilty of it. At one point or another we have all witnessed or participated in backstabbing, lying, manipulating, and sheer cruelty all for the sake of entertainment and maintaining popularity on campus.

'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'. Sound familiar? Apparently, the mature, respectable, sophisticaed and morally sound students who have the benefit of receiving 'higher education' at a Catholic institution like St. Michaels College have forgotten one of the most fundamental elements of our faith. For those of you who feel you have the right to attack others and unequivocally whore your opinion out to anyone who will listen I have but one quesiton, who do you think you are? Really, I'd like to know. Willfully destroying the reputation and character of other people our of sheer ignorance in order to make yourselves feel better is not only misguided, it's pure evil. You thought that girls dress was too short at Toga? Fine, you have a right to your personal opinion. You disapprove of someone else's relationship? Again, you are enttled to your own private opinion. But to those of you (and you know who you are) who feel the intense need to make your opinion publically known: Get off your undeservedly high horse and stop sling shotting your skewed Christly rhetoric down the throats of anyone who will listen, ESPECIALLY if you are going to turn around and cheat on your girlfriend in a club, make a sex tape or put on an act that is so fake it's sickening as a lame attempt to trick first year girls into sleeping with you. You're not a martyr, so don't pretend to be one. If you arent going to follow your own rules, you shouldnt impose them on others. I relish this, due to the fact that it is so beyond ironic that it becomes funny.

In my wise old age I have come to the conclusion that, most often, the people who act like they're such great "Christians', putting their morality and piety on display, usually have the most skeletons in their closets. Congratulations, you've merited enough rope to hang yourselves. If you sincerely take pleasure in mentally torturing other people, exploiting their faults and flaws for your own sick masochistic pleasure, you are the embodiment of all that is wrong in this world. I am a firm believer in karma, and I assure you that what goes around will most certainly come back around. Get off your soapbox, keep your opinions to yourselv and just be a decent human being. I leave you with the words of Jean-Paul Sartre as food for thought: "So this is hell. I'd never have believed it. You remember all we were told about the torture-chambers, the fire and brimstone, the "burning marl." Old wives' tales! There's no need for red-hot pokers. Hell is other people!"

Belligerent Activists

I would sooner club a baby seal than have to listen to the platform of one more extremist environmentalist cult and or PETA. You can pick them out in a crowd, the self righteous types dressed in uncomfortable looking clothing made solely out of recycled materials. They relentlessly talk about how not eating meat makes them better individuals in society, and personal hygiene... it takes the backseat to saving the life of a lab rat. Yes, these are the hollow minded do gooders of our generation, and they are annoying as fuck.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for free range farms, environmentally friendly agricultural practices, and yes, even recycling. What grinds my gears about these animal loving freaks are the scare tactics, and fanaticism that these self proclaimed animal loving, demi-god global welfare martyrs utilize to get their message across. On more than one occasion I have been berated by these fuckers, once by a man at St. George subway station whose forearms were literally covered in tattoos of various vegetables. No, I'm not kidding. Sure I'll throw out a half drunk plastic water bottle in the garbage now and then if I can avoid carrying it around for 5 hours until I reach the next recycling bin.... but sue me. I am not preaching ignorance for global issues and animal rights abuses, but these assholes make it their personal duty to make me feel like I'm some sort of neo-Nazi for recycling less than I should.

At first I thought that PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) was a seemingly docile organization; it wasn't until after I had innocently signed up for their mailing list that I realized that this organization was fucked beyond all measure. Daily emails riddled with absolutely ludicrous propaganda flooded my inbox. Disgusting videos and images of cows being brutally murdered, upside-down, gushing blood, hens having their beaks snapped off and I kid you not, a picture of a crucified chicken (the similarities that can be drawn between a dead chicken and the savior of humanity are endless). Not to mention the numerous benefits of "going veg", a recipe for vegan brownies, and ofcourse creative methods to convert me from my bastard meat eating ways.

If you think pro-lifers are extreme, then PETA takes it to a whole new level of wacko. How do they fulfill their noble quest to protect the lives of innocent and fuzzy creatures that inhabit our earth? They harass, annoy and even kill PEOPLE! Does this make sense or am I the only one who thinks this is seriously messed up?! In some delucded way these animal rights terrorists have decided that the lives of the human beings working inside these labs on research that could potentially save millions of HUMAN lives should take a backseat to the salvation of a disease infested lab rat.

Some advice to you crazy tree huggers and animal rights activists who are probably recycling this newspaper as we speak… maybe instead of terrorizing the general population with disgusting images of mutilated poultry and completely ludicrous propaganda (apparently eating meat can give you swine flu?) try talking to the human beings that inhabit the civilized world in a HUMANE and civil manner. Discourse anyone?